


Not quite by the book

by m_findlow



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 12:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13434273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_findlow/pseuds/m_findlow
Summary: Storytime just got way more interesting





	Not quite by the book

He'd barely begun before Mica interrupted him.

'You're telling the boring version,' she complained. I wanted you to tell the Uncle Jack version.'

He sighed heavily and tried not to roll his eyes. Why did Jack always do this? Somehow he'd managed to corrupt every fairytale and children's story into something completely different. He didn't even bother trying to ask Jack what "adjustments" he'd made, knowing that it wouldn't just be the odd tweak here and there, but rather an elaborate retelling with different characters, different events, and yet somehow holding very tenuously to the original storyline, if only just.

'I thought I was doing storytime tonight?' he said, trying not to sound hurt. Time with Mica was precious whilst she was still young enough to think that hanging out with her uncles was considered cool.

'You are, but can you tell the Uncle Jack version?'

Would that he knew it, he thought ruefully. And even if he did, he'd never do it justice the way Jack always managed to.

Ianto pushed himself up off the bed. 'Why don't I go and get Jack to tell it to us both?' he offered.

'Yay!' she squealed.

He wanted to huff out loud, but kept it to himself. Petulance was not a quality he wanted Mica to inherit. He was meant to be the good role model. Jack was bad enough for both of them most days.

Jack was downstairs, lounging on the sofa, apparently engrossed in some repeat of the Great British Bake-off.

'Hey, all tucked in?' he asked, hoping that it was now time for tucking Ianto into bed, very slowly.

'Hardly. Apparently it's time for another tale from Brothers Harkness.'

'Which one?' Jack asked.

'Snow White.'

'Yes! One of my favourites,' he said, bursting up off the sofa and springing up the steps, leaving Ianto well behind him.

'Okay Princess, buckle up, it's time for a tale of a dashing hero.'

Ianto resisted the urge to roll his eyes again. All of Jack's stories tended to follow a familiar pattern, with someone not unlike himself as the protagonist. Instead, he settled himself next to Jack and made himself comfy. They could be here a while.

 

_'Once upon a time, there was a dashingly handsome Princeling, who lived in a castle upon the sea, with long golden beaches that stretched as far as the eye could see and miles and miles of sparkling blue ocean on a planet called Boeshane. His mother and father were the King and Queen of the whole planet and they were much loved by their people who were happy and prosperous. Sadly one day their kingdom was attacked by a terrible horde of monsters from another world, who came to enslave them, and the King was killed in the battle to save their home. His Queen mourned for him a great while, but eventually she fell in love with a handsome Prince who came to visit their world, and eventually she married him._

_Prince Hart was from a far off world, and dressed in a bright red coat and shiny gold buttons, and carried a very ornate sword at his side wherever he went. His lovely companion was a slender woman with long brown hair who was a master of swords herself, and traveled with him to protect him. When Prince Hart was raised as the new King, she became their master swordsman and was responsible for the justice of the realm.'_

'Her name was Sir Gwendolyn, wasn't it?' Mica asked.

Oh dear God, no. Ianto cringed. Did Jack really turn Gwen into one of the bad guys? He fixed Jack with a hard stare and Jack just shrugged back.

'Coincidence,' he said, Ianto not believing him for a second.

_'Anyway, whilst the King and Queen were married, and the young Princeling still too young to rule, there was peace and prosperity throughout the realm. Despite the peace though, the new King grew jealous of the little Prince, knowing that he would one day grow to be the most handsome Prince that ever lived._

_King Hart also had another companion of sorts. He had traveled the stars far and wide with Sir Gwendolyn, and they visited many places and fought many foes, and had many adventures. On one such adventure, they had escaped an army of metal men who wanted to tear our their hearts. The then Prince Hart managed to defeat the metal men and even took one of them as a prize. He consulted the metal man often in his time ruling the kingdom as the metal men though unfeeling, were known throughout the galaxy for being very wise and knowledgeable._

_One day when the King was in his private rooms, he asked the metal man a question._

_"Man of metal, strong and tall. Who is the most handsome of them all?"_

_"Your Grace is comely, it is true, but the young Prince Jack is fairer than you," he replied._

_The King was horrified and flew into a rage of jealousy. No man, and certainly no little Prince should be better looking than he!_

_As the years grew long and the young Prince grew into a young man, the envy and the hatred that the King felt for Prince Jack grew and grew. No matter what tasks the Prince was given, cleaning halls and mucking out animal stables, none could wither his easy charm and natural beauty.'_

Ianto scoffed. 'You don't half think much of yourself, do you?'

'Hush,' Jack ordered, continuing his story.

_'Every day the King grew more envious of the young Prince, who when he came of age would by law come to rule the realm, removing the King from power. His envy became a bitter and twisted rage that was demonstrated by his rule over the kingdom which became fierce and harsh. The Prince's mother, who had fallen so completely for King Hart, now faded into the background, unable to be in the same room with him, which grieved her son greatly. Despite it all, he could not bring himself to loathe the King, because he was such a good-natured an kind-hearted person._

_One day the King was pacing his private rooms in a fit of anger, when his metal counselor spoke to him._

_"It truly must be said, your Grace,_   
_Folk no longer yearn to look upon your face,_   
_Young Prince Jack will soon come of age, and your rule will end,_   
_And when it does you'll be alone, with not one friend."_

_"Curse you, metal man!" the King yelled, before sending it away to seek out Sir Gwendolyn. Only she remained loyal to him and prepared to do his bidding, whatever that might be._

_"Sir Gwendolyn, I command that you should rid me of this young Prince who seeks to steal my throne and kingdom. Take him far out into the vast desert dunes and cut out his heart with your sword, and bring it back to me to prove that it is done."_

'Jack!' Ianto cried, covering Mica's ears. 'I thought we agreed there would be no scary stuff anymore.'

'Hey, that's all part of the original story, so stop your whining.'

'You just turned Gwen into a murderer!' he hissed.

'Hey, who's telling this story?'

Mica struggled out of Ianto's arms. 'I'm not scared. Keep going, Uncle Jack.'

'Right,' he said, 'so where were we? Ah, that's right. So Gwendolyn has just been ordered to take the Prince and kill him.'

_'Gwendolyn suggests to the Prince that they go walking out along the dunes, so that they might hope to find the fabled sand phoenix. The Prince happily agrees, excited at the thought of finding the rare creature, so off they go, far into the dry and dusty sand dunes that stretch for hundreds of miles away from the glittering shores of Boeshane._

_When they were far enough away, Gwendolyn was about to raise her sword and kill the Prince, when he turned to her and asked her if she thought that finding the phoenix might cheer up his stepfather the King, and that it might bring some happiness back into the castle, cheering his mother. He feels despondent that she should be so sad all the time. Gwendolyn is so taken by the Prince's love for his mother and stepfather that she cannot bring herself to kill the Prince._

_"Sweet Prince Jack. You must know that the King sent me here to kill you," she said to him. "I cannot do this, but nor can you return to the castle for the King will find another way to kill you."_

_"Here," she said, taking off her leather bracelet and handing it to him. "This is a magical device that will let you travel amongst the stars. You need only press the button here and it will take you safely to another world where the King will never find you."_

_The Prince was terribly upset that he couldn't go home and that he would never see his dear mother again, but he knew now that the King was mad and that he was in terrible danger, so he took the bracelet and pressed the button just as Gwendolyn had told him to._

_The bracelet took the Prince to a world unlike anything he had ever seen before. Where his home had been vast sandy beaches and sparkling blue water, this place was dull and grey and rainy, with lots of concrete buildings, bright lights and noisy machines. He didn't like it at all so he pressed the button again, hoping it might take him somewhere else, but it didn't work._

_The Prince wondered if the King in this place might help him so he asked the first person he saw where he could find the castle and the King. The man laughed and pointed him in the direction of the castle but said that there was no King there, though if he wanted to see the Queen, he'd have to go to London for that._

_"How many miles walk is that?" he asked._

_When he was told it was a long way away if he planned on walking, many hundreds of miles, he despaired. Then he remembered that Gwendolyn had told him that the bracelet had other magic and that it would point him in the right direction if he ever needed help, so he let it guide him along the busy streets until he was left standing bedside a glittery silver obelisk. When he touched the bracelet again, a magic portal opened up beneath his feet and took him deep underground._

_Inside was a cavern full of wondrous items, like an Aladdin's cave of treasures, but even though he looked around and called out, there was no one there to help him, and he didn't know how to get back out again._

_Tired from his long journey, he found a soft lounge and curled up on it, intending just to rest his eyes for a little while, but falling fast asleep instead. When he woke up, there were a bunch of people standing there, staring down at him._

_"How did he get in here?" a young Japanese woman asked._

_"Better, question, who is he?" said another slender woman with long dark hair and olive skin._

_"Who cares who he is, I say we lock him up in case he's an alien," said a short man, with a long white coat with lots of badges on it._

_The Prince sat up and tried to explain to the three people who he was, that he wasn't an alien, or at least didn't think he was, and how he'd come to be here, and that a terrible King was intent on killing him, so he'd made his escape and ended up here. He showed them the magic bracelet that had transported him here, but no matter how they examined it, they couldn't figure out what kind of magic it was, nor why it no longer worked.'_

'Aren't there meant to be seven dwarves?' Ianto asked, interrupting. 'You're missing a few. Or are we waiting for a magic blue police box to come and deliver the rest?'

'My story, my rules. And technically, if we're going  to argue about it, Owen qualifies as Grumpy, Dopey and Doc. Now shut up and let me continue.'

_'The three of them took pity on the Prince and agreed that he could stay with them for as long as he liked. They though it unlikely that the King would ever find him here. He even found that he was able to help out around the place. Their job was to collect items that had been lost and left on their world by a magical portal in the sky, and to make sure that they were kept safe and to try and understand them. Sometimes the objects were full of special magic, sometimes they were very boring objects with no magic in them, and sometimes they were even living creatures from other worlds._

_The Prince became a very valuable member of their team as he had learned many languages as a boy from the scholars in the castle, and was able to translate a great many objects for them. He became so good at helping them, and was so brave and clever and quick, that he soon became something of a leader amongst them, and was revered by them all as the great Prince of Boeshane._

_Meanwhile, back on his home world, Gwendolyn had returned to the King. Even though she was unable to kill the Prince, she managed to find a small beast on her travels back to the castle, and she slew it, cutting out its heart so that she could bring it to the King and prove that the Prince was dead._

_The King was delighted that he would no longer have to worry about the Prince stealing his crown, and had the castle's finest cooks roast the heart and serve it to him for dinner.'_

'Ew!' Mica said, cringing.

'Ew, indeed,' agreed Ianto, pulling a similar face. He didn't remember that bit from his childhood, but perhaps his mother had omitted the detail.

_'After dinner the King retired to his chambers and admired himself in the long mirror, knowing that he was now once again the most handsome man in all the realm, but so vain that he enjoyed hearing others tell him so._

_"Tell me my dear metal friend, who is the most beautiful one of all? Surely there can be none so sexy and good looking as me," he asked his metal companion._

_"King, though you are a beauty rare, Prince Jack living in Cardiff is a thousand times more fair."_

_The King was furious, for he knew that the metal men had no emotions and could not tell a lie, and so he knew that Gwendolyn had deceived him and not killed the Prince as she had promised. He ordered his guards to find Sir Gwendolyn, but she was too quick and clever for them, making her escape into the night, never to be seen again._

_The King decided to take matters into his own hands, using his own magic bracelet to travel to Cardiff to find the Prince and kill him once and for all._

_The King disguised himself as a hobbled old man so that the Prince wouldn't recognise him and waited until he spied the Prince wandering through a busy marketplace one day._

_The King had already planned how he would kill the Prince, by giving him an apple laced with a deadly poison. Apples were a rare delicacy on Boeshane and he knew how much the Prince loved them, knowing he wouldn't be able to resist the offer of such a splendid looking fruit.'_

Jack grabbed them both suddenly, making them jump involuntarily, and earning a little yelp from Mica.

'Are you scared yet, Ianto?' Jack purred in his ear.

'Hmm, yes, scared would be one word to describe it. I just don't think I'm scared in the way you were hoping for,' he replied. Dread was probably the better word for it. Dread in what more outlandish amendments the story had yet to reveal.

_"Would you like to buy my apples, sweet lad?" the old crone asked, hovering over a handful in a basket. "They are the sweetest juiciest apples you will ever taste. Here," he said, handing one toward him. "Try it and see if you agree."_

_The Prince felt sorry for the old man, who looked to be desperate to sell his few wares. And they did look good, so shiny and red, that he couldn't resist taking the apple and biting into it, tasting the delicious flesh. With just one bite though, the poison took effect, and the Prince collapsed right there, instantly dead.'_

'Oh no!' Mica cried. 'He can't die, Uncle Jack, he just can't!'

_'The Prince's friends saw what happened, and saw how the old man transformed into the handsome King before he disappered in a puff of smoke. The Prince's friends were devastated by the Prince's death, unable to save him no matter what they tried._

_In the end, the laid him upon a beautiful bed inside their underground cavern, unable to bear the thought of burying him, for so beautiful was he that they would rather be sad and able to look upon his great beauty for all of eternity than to condemn his body to the ground._

_Many days later, the friends of the Prince had a visitor. The young man was a great Prince of Wales, beautiful to behold with soft brown hair and blue yes that sparkled like rare jewels, tall and elegant, clever and witty and brave and regal.'_

'Good grief,' Ianto muttered, feeling himself go red.

_"Dearest friends," the Welsh Prince declared. "I am Prince Ianto. I come to visit your friend, for once we met whence he saved me from a great flying lizard, and I was so taken by his beauty that I have been able to think of naught since that day."_

_"I fear you have come too late, sweet Prince," the Japanese woman said, tears streaking down her face, "for a wicked King came three days hence and poisoned our dear Prince."_

_The Welsh Prince was lost for words, heartbroken that he had not arrived sooner. He had fallen in love with the Prince from the moment they first met and meant to spend the rest of his life with him, if the Prince had so desired it._

_"Please let me take his body back to my castle," Prince Ianto asked, though his friends were loathe to part with it._

_"Please," the Prince begged. "I cannot live without looking upon Prince Jack, the most beautiful of all men ever to have lived. Even if we should never truly be together, let me look upon his face for now until the end of my days. I will give you all the gold in the world that I have."_

_The friends took pity on the young Prince, seeing how much he adored their friend, and agreed to let him take Jack, but they would not accept his gold. That he loved their Prince was enough payment for them._

_When they took him to see their beloved Prince, the Welsh Prince leaned over and placed the gentlest of kisses on his lips, wishing that he could feel their warmth. When he did though, Prince Jack's eyes fluttered open and by some miracle he was alive again._

_"Where am I?" Prince Jack asked. "What happened?"_

_"You were saved by a true love's kiss," the dark-haired woman replied, overjoyed that their friend was once again alive._

_"I remember you," Jack said, seeing the Welsh Prince for the first time. "You were there when we captured the great flying lizard."_

_Prince Ianto smiled. "She is well, my Prince," he replied. "She lives now in the highest reaches of my castle where she can fly about all day long. I named her Myfanwy, which means beloved in my native tongue, because when I think of her name I am reminded of you, dearest beloved."_

_"I have thought of you often," Jack replied._

_"As have I," the Prince replied. "I would be honored if you would return with me to my castle to be my husband and king, and that we might rule together until the end of our days."_

_Prince Jack immediately said yes, and they kissed for a very long time.'_

'What happened to the nasty King?' Mica asked.

'Ah, yes, as for the King, well, he met a terrible end.'

_'Just when he thought he was truly rid of the Prince, and being as selfish as he was, he consulted his advisor once more, eager to hear the words that he had longed to hear for so many years._

_"Man of metal, strong and tall. Now who is the most handsome of them all?"_

_"There is naught good news to tell you, I fear,_   
_For in Cardiff fair there is a great deal of cheer,_   
_A wedding is planned for all folk to see,_   
_A uniting of castle on hill and on sea,_   
_Prince Jack was saved by a true love's kiss."_

_To which the King gave an almighty hiss._

_"How can that be? The Prince should be dead!"_

_And behind him came Gwendolyn who cut off his head._

_"The crown of most beautiful you'll never again snatch,_   
_for Prince Jack and Prince Ianto make the most perfect match."_


End file.
